Do you have days when you feel like you’re the all joyful kind of wife, respectful to your husband, loving every single moment of serving your family, rejoicing over difficult and some mundane tasks at home and praising God for your season.
How about days when you just snap and quickly transform into a beastly kind of mom who finds wrong in every single thing, even the tiniest, unimaginable and non-sensical issue and let’s everyone in the household know you’re totally in a bad mood by letting out shouts, banging things around the house, and just gives the I’m-not-in-the-mood-for-anything kind of look.
That’s exactly me some days in my life as a stay at home mother. You know when you’re all feeling spent working around the house, exhausted to the core, gone throughout the week without a single alone time, and not able to do your personal work because hey, housework is just waiting for you. I’m totally not proud of it but it happens. I’m not a perfect wife, although I pray to be the best. But some days just get the best of me.
In other words, some days – I operate as a mom, wife, daughter JOYLESSLY. Full of grumbling, complaining, comparing, hating, regretting, and many more. I know I’m not being a godly wife by letting out these awful traits specifically when my daughter hears or sees me doing it. But honestly, there are moments when you just feel it very tasteful and inevitable to do it. Like you want to be the “Rebel Mom” and let everyone know how you are feeling by showing them a glimpse of your heart through your actions and awfully, your words.
There’s really NO justification in all my actions but what I’m saying is that at the end of the day, when all is said and done, I realize –
being a JOYLESS Mom hurts a lot of people and parts in my life. My angry words and actions hurts the people around me, hurts our marriage, my parenting, friendships, and even more, hurts my relationship with God.
And joylessness, if not addressed and acknowledged, is a wound in our hearts as mothers that can grow deeper and deeper throughout time. Yeah, maybe we think it’s just one of those moments that I’m tired, exhausted, and I wanted to just withdraw from everyone else – friends, family members. What we don’t realize in this progressive joylessness is that it robs us off the love for other people, the appreciation of all the blessings that we have, the gratefulness, compassion, many more, and hurts us and the people around us more than we could imagine.
When I gave birth and really stayed home and worked around here, I experienced irritability and anger a lot of times. Like even the tiniest details, I’d snap and make a fuss of it. All of it I attributed to being a tired mom who pretty much works around the house throughout the day. But what I notice is that even when things start to get more manageable for me, I’d still be easily triggered and turn into an angry mom. I was wondering even if this was all related to Post Partum blues. Then I was led to ask God in prayer what was wrong in my heart. Why do I get easily angered, irritable? I feel uneasy that I’ve turned into someone I’m not exactly familiar of myself. I asked my husband about it and he was gracious enough to constantly pray with and for me. No judgements, no anything, just pure love and support from him. Then I started really praying and asking God to continuously heal my heart. To remind me all the time of His faithfulness and grace in my life through His death on the cross because of my sinfulness. And to restore my heart and make it right with Him and everyone else around me, whether they’re my loved ones or not.
Up to this time, it’s still what I ask God for. Because I realize, I honestly cannot do it on my own. Each day is a process I go through.
I have moments when I slip off and feel angry and not be my best self. But in those moments, I can sense God comforting me that He is with me in this whole restoration of my heart. It’s not easy but I submit all to God and ask Him to just take full control.
And when there are moments that it’s just so tasteful to get angry, I’m reminded of this verse in James 1:9 that says, “Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger.” Then I know very well that it was God taking a hold of my heart there.
Acknowledging my tendency to get mad and irritable takes a lot of humility. It didn’t come off really quickly and easily, but I thank God that I was able to finally take a step further. Now that I’ve acknowledged it, it made sense for me to now identify my trigger points. Situations when I easily shift into a different mood – angry and irritable to be specific.
These are when:
1. I’m worrying about something and feeling like I totally do not have control of things. Worrying makes me shy away and withdraw myself a lot that when people try to get into that act my withdrawal, I feel totally bad.
2. I’m tired as in no rest in between work. So I try to space out my work schedule and sleep early so that I don’t feel grumpy the next day.
3. My/our agreed schedule is not followed. Being late is one, but really getting away from a schedule makes me feel uneasy.
4. There’s just too much clutter at home.
5. I’m not able to plan my day / week ahead. It makes me totally uneasy. So I try to list down all that I need to do and say buy for a week so that I don’t feel my thoughts, decisions, and plans cluttered.
6. I lack quiet/prayer time.
7. I’m running on low to NO me-time in several weeks. So in a way, I kind of divert my personal time to going to the grocery alone, running errands alone, or through “pamamalengke.”
You see – organization takes a really high position in my priority. I try to address this by doing whatever I can, but at the end of the day, I realize there are really things, circumstances, that would cause interruption along the way. And that’s something inevitable. I’m praying that God would settle my heart whenever things like it happen.
In a fuller spectrum of things, this part in my life is something that I want to trust God for. I know this is all happening for a good reason – under God’s watch and He won’t allow me to go through this without victory in His name.
Like many other moms, if there is a part in your life that doesn’t feel like right – spiritually, emotionally, relationally – I highly encourage you to go back to God and really pour your heart into prayer. Telling Him what doesn’t seem right for you and asking Him to take fullest control of your heart. It’s never too late, never too early for anything. When you finally see it and recognize it, bring it to God in prayer.
God loves us more than anyone else, and He does not intend destruction for our lives. He’s love as a Father for His children can soothe our weary hearts and crazy situations.